When Helping Can Hurt: Fundraising After a Loss
There is an emotional reality that can only be felt following a death. When someone dies, the people around them naturally want to do something. Your loved ones cannot change what happened, so they look for something they can do. Meals are organized, flowers are sent, friends begin making phone calls, and increasing with frequency, someone creates an online fundraiser like Gofundme. That instinct in others usually comes from a beautiful place in their heart. But financial support is deeply personal. Starting a fundraiser for a grieving family without speaking to them first can unintentionally create another burden at a time when they are already carrying more than enough. A GoFundMe or community fundraiser can feel like an obvious answer because it gives friends, coworkers, neighbors, and extended family an immediate way to contribute.There is nothing wrong with this instinct as it comes from a place of caring. But we want to encourage generosity while protecting the dignity and privacy of the family receiving it. The issue is not generosity. The issue is deciding what a grieving family needs without asking them.
A fundraiser should never be presented to the family as a surprise. Even if the organizer has the best intentions, the fundraiser may:
Share information the family wanted to keep private
Suggest or imply publicly that the family is experiencing financial hardship
Create harmful questions to the family from acquaintances or strangers
Make the family feel obligated to explain how money will be used
Put them in the uncomfortable position of asking someone to take the fundraiser down
Make the family feel obligated to thank a large number of strangers in a time of grief and privacy
The death of a loved one is an emotional whirlwind of feelings and needs. Some families may desperately need financial assistance and welcome it. Others may be financially comfortable but still appreciate other forms of support such as food or good company and laughs. And some may simply be extremely private. A public fundraiser can unintentionally communicate, “This family cannot afford what is happening.”
Whether that statement is accurate or not, the family should be the one deciding whether that information becomes public. As an example, at the time of Frankie’s death, we owned a public facing business in the recruiting space with large Fortune-listed clients; in addition to dealing with the grief of death, I (admittedly to an exaggerated level that I’ll blame on an altered state of mind) was extremely concerned about the perception of financial solvency from misguided giving. The goodwill of others could have unintentionally destroyed our future.
Grieving families sometimes hesitate to say what would actually help because they do not want to feel demanding or burdensome. Others worry about the feelings or perception of others if they say they want privacy or time alone. Always encourage respectful directness.
We frequently used:
“We are financially okay, but if you feel urged to give we would love for donations to be made to LeBonheur Children’s Hospital in his memory.”
“We don't need anything financially, but checking in on us over the next few months would mean a lot.”
You also should consider the person who has died. Some families may be uncomfortable with intimate details about their loved one's death being used to encourage donations. They may have witnessed their loved one suffer or die in a traumatic or violent way and are uncomfortable sharing this information. The deceased person's dignity and privacy deserve consideration as well. Be particularly careful when children are involved. Photographs, medical information, circumstances surrounding a child's death, and details about surviving siblings can spread much farther than originally intended.
Families should always be encouraged to speak honestly and directly about their needs. People who love you often genuinely want direction. Giving them direction is not taking advantage of their generosity.
Money isn't always the most helpful form of support and there are alternatives to fundraising. Depending on the family, practical help may be significantly more valuable:
meals
childcare
pet care
lawn care
grocery delivery
rides
housekeeping
help sorting paperwork
covering a specific bill
purchasing a memorial item such as a headstone, urn or vase
simply being present
One way you can ask this: “What would make this week slightly easier?”. That question is often more helpful than the broad and difficult: “Let me know if you need anything.” or “Let me know how I can help”
Additionally, don't confuse “they could use the money” with permission. Almost anyone dealing with a death could find a use for additional money, I promise. However, that alone does not mean they want their financial circumstances discussed publicly. Financial need should never be treated as something shameful, and we must also recognize that people deserve control over how personal circumstances are shared. Help should never cost someone their dignity.
If the family wants a fundraiser, let them shape it. Once permission has been given, involve the family in the details. Even after the immediate period of grief passes, fundraiser pages, social posts, photographs, and descriptions may remain searchable or continue circulating. Families should have a say in what part of their story becomes public.
Before publicly sharing the fundraiser, all involved should be aware of:
Who will organize and control the fundraiser
Who receives the money
What information can be shared publicly by others
Whether photographs may be used
Whether the intended use of funds should be explained or kept private
How broadly and how the family wants it circulated
If you do choose to have a fundraiser, one trusted organizer is usually better than several. This is because multiple fundraisers can create confusion or worse, raise questions over which one is legitimate, where the money is going, and whether the family authorized them. You also always want to make the beneficiary clear. If a fundraiser is created, people donating should understand whether funds are going directly to the immediate family, funeral expenses, medical bills, a charity, a memorial fund, or another purpose.
Finally, please don't make the family participate in what I’ll call “performative gratitude”. I want to stress that this is not to say the family does not appreciate support. We will forever be grateful for our friends and family that came to our rescue (and we certainly needed it!). However, grieving people may not have the emotional capacity to immediately personally thank dozens or hundreds of donors. Especially those that may be complete strangers. Organizers should avoid creating another overwhelming social obligation for them.
I can share that the desire to help someone after a death is one of the most beautiful responses a community can have. However, grief often leaves people with very little control over what has happened to them. Whenever possible, our help should give some of that control back rather than unintentionally taking more of it away.
Personally, even small choices mattered immensely during the initial few weeks of grief because I felt as though I had so many other choices in our life that had been suddenly taken away. My Wife and I have always been fiercely independent; I felt as though I had no choice in our son’s death and the feeling of others making decisions for us without asking, even if their intent was positive, infuriated me. Ask first. Listen carefully. Please respect their answer. Sometimes a fundraiser is exactly what a family needs. Sometimes it isn't. Giving the family control is itself a form of kindness, and the kindest thing we can do is allow them to tell us which one is true and respect the families needs.
I love you all,
Zachary Ty Sonnier
Owner and Men’s Grief Advocate